PARENTING PITFALLS - 11 BIG MISTAKES TO AVOID FOR YOUR CHILD'S WELL-BEING

How do you define 'parenting ambition' and when can it be harmful for the child?

Parenting as such is a difficult term because it implies that another human being – usually a child – has to be "pulled" into a certain state of behavior. We always assume that children develop from immaturity to maturity, and this can only be achieved with the aid of certain parenting methods. It would be more appropriate to grant each child the maturity status suitable for their life and developmental phase.

There are, of course, mainly mature infants, children, or teenagers. And of course, we have to show and model to them how life works. When it comes to learning content, pedagogical methods are required. However, for emotional and social learning, we only need to model within a loving, caring relationship, demonstrating how to manage oneself and one's life. This requires no education, just an actively lived relationship.

On the basis of this fundamental and fatal misunderstanding, an ambition often arises to "pull" children particularly effectively, quickly, and successfully somewhere, to educate them. This ambition usually bypasses the personalities and needs of our children and leads to overly adapted and distorted children's souls.

This is unhealthy and harmful.

What effects does the performance society and constant pressure have on the mental health of our children?

First, a crucial preliminary remark: achievement is not inherently bad or harmful. It can be an expression of a will to shape or healthy ambition; achievement can be fun. However, when a person's worth is measured exclusively by their performance, important parts of the personality are negated. Children then experience at school that they only gain value through their grades and that a good outlook for their future is only possible if they "achieve."

A high school diploma below 1.9 is then worth nothing, for example. Apart from that, athletic, musical, or artistic performance is inadequately disregarded, and social or emotional achievements are never considered. This constant pressure and the negation of a child's personality lead to false self-worth, self-worth crashes, to burnout syndromes, exhaustion depressions, and school failure, in extreme cases even to suicidal tendencies.

How can parents alleviate the pressure of the performance society on their children and create a healthy learning environment?

The first step is always the analysis of one's own ambition, the (false?) wishes for the children, and one's own positioning in terms of work and performance. Phrases like "just do less" or "you don't have to do it for us" are not very useful because they negate the child's daily school reality.

On the contrary, it is initially about recognizing the child's dilemma of having to cope within a deficit-oriented German pedagogy, accompanied by great pressure to achieve and negative expectations ("if you don't make an effort, you won't amount to anything").

Good performance is best achieved when one is equally motivated and relaxed. Parents should therefore ensure that their children feel authentically understood, are asked about their real concerns, and experience parents who take the time to support them. Not by just helping with homework, but also by creating islands of commonality where everyone can relax and thus be enabled to think together about how school learning can best succeed, e.g. with alternative learning methods.

Exhausted parents will then have no choice but to review their own performance and learning behavior. When a solidary family group emerges that takes care of intrinsic motivation, good foundations for relief and change have been created.

Can excessive parenting ambition worsen the relationship between parents and children?

Excessive parenting ambition always leaves the level of the relationship. It is never authentic, too strict, and leads to deep feelings of being misunderstood and overlooked. This implants in the child the opposite of what is ostensibly intended: unhappy children with low self-esteem grow up who either bury everything inside or carry it elsewhere (aggressively frustrated) to the outside.

Children who don't know who they actually are, who don't feel loved enough, and who can ultimately develop symptoms of anxiety or depression. "But I'm only doing this out of love for my child because I only want the best for him or her!" are often the assumptions and answers of these parents.

They dramatically underestimate that what is conveyed is always what exists inside as an attitude. And then it becomes clear that it is a basic assumption of super-ambitious parents that their children lack a lot of discipline and "proper" behavior. How is one supposed to grow up happy, satisfied, and high-performing under such a premise?

What are the absolute parenting no-gos to avoid?

•            Do not confront your child with fundamental accusations.

•            Do not doubt your child – authentically!

•            Do not control your child. Control is unnecessary, trust is better.

•            Do not distrust your child – it's poison for the soul.

•            Do not lose faith in your child.

•            Do not deliver monologues. Always engage in a questioning dialogue.

•            Do not punish.

•            Always respect personal boundaries.

•            Never be disrespectful. Appreciation and respect are the healthy dimensions.

•            Never disregard your child.

•            Do not exclude your child – not even from your own life.

What resources or strategies can parents use to promote healthy parenting ambition?

Even a healthy parenting ambition is unnecessary, not useful, and potentially harmful. Relationship instead of education! If this succeeds, parents only have to live authentically. That alone is challenging enough.

Every healthy, loving relationship harbors a wealth of resources. A loving look at the child, which is not afraid to love it back into line now and then, reveals views and attitudes that strengthen children and their relationships with their parents.

These form the most important and irrevocable foundations for children to confidently and resiliently embark on their lives.

Parents are not dynamically involved in all of a child’s mental illnesses. When children develop symptoms, the loving determination to quickly get effective help for themselves and the child applies.

A trusting and loving family structure creates the best foundations for children to cope with the challenges of our world. Such a structure wants to be lived, implemented, and rechecked every day.

About the expert

Prof. Dr. Michael Schulte-Markwort is a child and adolescent psychiatrist and psychotherapist. In addition to his teaching position as a professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at the Medical School Hamburg, he is the Medical Director of the Oberberg Fachklinik Marzipanfabrik and the founder and Medical Director of the private practice Paidion – Healing for Children's Souls in Hamburg and Berlin. He is also the author of numerous parenting guides.

2024-03-27T09:02:03Z dg43tfdfdgfd